Annual Update: Top 5 List

The Story of "My Top 5 List"

This practice of writing down the "top 5 qualities I'm looking for in my marriage partner" goals related to marriage came after reading the very very nice 1994 book, Marrying Smart by Kalyn Wolf Gibbens in 2001 (bought it at the Denver Baha'i Center on a work/ski trip). The idea is to be honest and express your real dreams regarding marriage, as you think, ready, study, consult, and revise the list - you come up with the top 5 that are a must no discussion, all the rest you can work on, work together towards. Then you make it clear from the beginning of a 'relationship' of where you're headed (she uses the analogy of when a bus comes along at the bus stop you ask the driver where he's headed, if it's not in the direction you're headed, you don't get on the bus, you wait for the next bus to see if they are going that direction). If a new friend doesn't have the top 5 you don't date them (which means you also don't breakup with them because you didn't date them) just be friends with them if you'd both like. The book helps you identify what it is you're looking for and then you go out and enjoy life with a clearer sense of direction. It's very upbeat and positive and hopeful.

I also attended an Attracting the Perfect Customer workshop by Stacy Hall at the 2001 SED Conference where she told us her personal story of how she used the power of knowing yourself and expressing your goals on paper regarding her marriage partner (a humorous and intersting story told while her husband was standing in the back smiling). She and her business partner wrote a book about how to attract the perfect marriage parnter, customer, family member by focusing on what you're looking for - on the positive (i suppose rather than the negative). and it also taught us how to express your real dreams and attractions and desires and then learn how to work towards improving yourself and your approach to your noble goals through the "Attraction Plan". A powerful mixture of honesty, knowing yourself, and striving for excellence and focusing on the postive. "Look at the Good".

Marriage: divine institution, law of God - fortress for well-being and salvation, ...

Newest Top 5 (2010) - newly updated

Well learning more I see I need to be ready to commit to unity with someone. I wasn't and it seems I haven't been. Learning in Action.

1. That we can be friends first

2. That we can encourage and support each other in our journey in life while being friends

3. That we can be selfless and kind and good to each other even during difficult times

4. That we can feel at peace and "full" with or without each other

5. That we can be ourselves fully and generously with each other - communicating, humor, processing, gift giving.

(2009)

This is inspired from Elika and Tarry's workbook on marriage.I ask Baha'u'llah to help me marry in accordance with the law of God to have a true marriage:

The true marriage… is this, that husband and wife should be united both physically and spiritually, that they may ever improve the spiritual life of each other, and may enjoy everlasting unity…. -Abdu’l-Baha

'Marry, O people, that from you may appear he who will remember Me amongst My servants; this is one of My commandments unto you; obey it as assistance to yourselves.'

Bahá'u'lláh^[1]

1. We are Loyal and Committed to our true marriage
2. We Consult Well and Have Unity
3. We are conscious of and dedicated to our own and each other's Nobility and Loftiness
4. We are Hospitable and Love to Have Meaningful, Fun events in our Home
   
5. We have utmost Love and Harmony
6. We have Children and a loving family life (top 6)
   

One week earlier's (2009)
Set a goal date: I will marry my loving husband by September 2009
Know what you're looking for -

what direction your bus is headed

1. We are fully united both spiritually and physically, so that they may attain eternal union throughout all the worlds of God, and improve the spiritual life of each other." We have ""union and cordial affection between" us.
2. We "exercise the utmost care and become acquainted with each other's character."
3. This eternal bond should be made secure by a firm covenant, and the intention should be to foster harmony, fellowship and unity and to attain everlasting life
4. We marry so "that from you may appear he who will remember Me amongst My servants; this is one of My commandments unto you; obey it as an assistance to yourselves."
5. Our parents give full approval and support.
   

Previous Top 5 List (2006)
I will marry happily by May 2007

1. We are dedicated to a loving, unified, equality based, chaste, respectful, truthful, loyal, dynamic, peaceful, constructive, fun Baha'i Marriage with each other through all the worlds of God based on our strong attraction to each other spiritually, emotionally, physically, intellectually and our dedication to God and obedience to His Laws.
   
2. We are dedicated to being humble, dedicated, Baha'is striving each day to grow spiritually and help each other grow spiritually and those around us through the 6 requisites for spiritual growth and taking part in personal and community building activities every day.
3. We are very determined to be good at communicating and connecting with each other everyday. We don't give up - we keep trying new ways to seek understanding, forgive, and grow stronger, creating love and unity. We take responsibility to make sure we have unity every day through prayer, consultation, study, play, friends, wisdom, etc.
4. We like to work together to help each other achieve our personal goals and our family goals, community goals and professional goals. We also like to like to just hang out and play and are comfortable together.
   
5. We are careful, kind and encouraging and respectful of each other through our words, actions and thoughts.

Previous Top 5 List (2000)
I will marry happily by May 2002
1. We are attracted to each other (because i dated and considered dating people i wasn't attracted to or who didn't seem attracted to me)
2. We love God and want to observe his Laws
3. We like working on projects together (work or personal goals) (creative and effective coworkers)
4. We like spending time together relaxing and having fun (reading, resting, gardening, dancing, hiking, etc.) (harmony, unity, love, attraction)
5. We are kind and encouraging to each other. (self control, excellence, improving character, bringing out the best in each other)