Views from 4: Baha'i (1844 A.D.), Islam (622 A.D.), Christianity (~33 A.D.) and Judiasm (~1500 B.C.)
Baha'i By Wade Caves
The Baha’i view of marriage — indeed, the Baha’i view on anything — comes from the writings of Baha’u’llah and ‘Abdu’l-Baha. While Baha’is believe these laws and writings are meant for all humankind, we are also reminded that only Baha’is can be held accountable to these laws. How can I hold anyone to the standards I hold myself to if we do not share a fundamental trust in the one who gave us these laws?
So, in that light, what I’m writing about today is not my whitewashed opinion of marriage as a whole. I’m not writing about what secular marriages should look like, what religious marriages should look like, or to whom marriage should be available. I have no right to force my opinion on any of those matters. The only purpose of this article is to share what Baha’u’llah and ‘Abdu’l-Baha said a Baha’i marriage should look like, and what that marriage means.
Marriage in the Baha’i faith is a deep and faceted adventure. Our concept of marriage is built upon the Baha’i understanding of chastity, unity and the journey and progress of the soul.
Baha’u’llah urged his followers to practice sexual abstinence until marriage. There is nothing inherently wrong or evil in sexual activity, and I would even venture to say there is nothing inherently wrong or evil in sexual activity outside of marriage. Laws aren’t about right or wrong. Baha’u’llah prescribed to us via laws the means by which we can progress spiritually while on this earth. There are things in this world that will evolve me spiritually, and things that won’t. Indulging in each and every appetite we have does not build character, nor does it benefit us spiritually. Abstaining is not deprivation of our human nature; it is, instead, acceptance of our spiritual nature.
The primary focus of a Baha’i life is to serve God by serving humanity, and to act as a unifying force in this world. This idea of unity plays into marriage as well. For example, for two Baha’is to marry, they must each gain consent from their parents (there are exceptions for those with deceased parents). The purpose of consent is to enter a marriage with the blessings of the two families who are about to be united.
Divorce is allowed in the Baha’i Faith, but it is regulated. In order for the spiritual community to recognize a divorce, an attempt to reconcile differences must be made. If, after one year of marriage counseling, the differences have proven irreconcilable, divorce is permitted.
That said, the bond created by marriage is a spiritual union designed to last into eternity. Baha’u’llah has called marriage “a fortress for well-being and salvation.” The purpose of marriage is to assist one another in growing spiritually, and to be a bolster for each other in times of weakness.
In the end, ‘Abdu’l-Baha said it best: “The true marriage of Baha’is is this: that husband and wife should be united both physically and spiritually, that they may ever improve the spiritual life of each other, and may enjoy everlasting unity throughout all the worlds of God. This is Baha’i marriage.”
Reach columnist Wade Caves at opinion@dailyuw.com.
Islam By Zakariya Dehlawi
Marriage. That’s usually all one has to say before guys our age start frantically eyeing the exits.
But the topic usually comes up when I hang out with my male Muslim friends. Namely, that we need to get married. It’s not surprising, for Muslims it’s the only permissible framework for copulation.
I don’t want to imply that Muslim men are sexually deprived, or that sex is the only factor motivating marriage. Rather, marriage is an important aspect of our religion. Not only is it a conduit for legal sex, but also your marriage partner fulfills an important complementary role. The Quran refers to spouses as being “garments” for each other. That is interpreted to mean that partners are there for mutual benefit and mutual support, both in life and in religious matters — to complete one another.
God also states in the Quran: “And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your hearts. Undoubtedly in these are signs for those who reflect” (Chapter 30, verse 21).
Muslims are also strongly encouraged to get married. The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) once said, “Marriage is half of faith.” In fact, Islam forbids celibacy, since families are considered the basic building blocks of society.
Okay, we get how important marriage is to Muslims. Now, how do they actually get married?
First, a disclaimer. There are many cultures that have adopted Islam, and each of them have different marriage traditions. For example, just ask your South Asian friends about stealing the groom’s shoes. I don’t profess to know all of these customs, but I can offer you my understanding of what constitute traditional Islamic marriage practices, which generally exist across most Muslim cultures. Any mistakes are my own, while any benefit is due to God.
Before you ask, no, not all Muslims have arranged marriages. Often, potential Muslim couples meet in various “normal” contexts such as work, school, through friends, etc. Also, there is a plethora of Muslim matrimonial Web sites.
An arranged marriage for Muslims merely means parents, or others, are involved in helping couples meet each other, through complicated social networks that could make my head spin. Couples still get to know each other before they get married, and both parties have the right to refuse marriage at any time. There’s no such thing as a forced marriage under Islamic law. In fact, the marriage is automatically annulled if performed under duress.
It is generally accepted that marriage is performed in three steps. The first step, called the khitbah, is when the groom formally asks for the bride’s hand in marriage. At this stage the bride or her family can refuse. During this period the couple and their families get to know each other.
The next step is known as the nikah, or a host of other names, including katb al-kitab. This is the stage when the couple is legally married under Islamic law. This is accomplished by signing a marriage contract. The marriage contract contains whatever stipulations the bride wants, as well as an acceptable bridal gift (called a maher), which is usually money.
The final step is the walima (also known by multiple other names) which is when a party is thrown to celebrate the marriage, and when the couple actually move in together.
Depending on the culture, there are usually multiple parties and ceremonies thrown into these three steps, but they all follow the same basic mold.
Reach columnist Zakariya Dehlawi at opinion@dailyuw.com.
Christianity By Thomas Cloud
Do you have a desire to have sex? Do you long for marital companionship? Do you want to be a parent? If you answered yes to any of those questions, you should move toward eventually getting married.
These are all natural desires God gives us to point us toward marriage. No one should get married purely because they have one of these desires very strongly. Marriage, like many things, requires maturity: Just as you should never use criminal activity to satisfy your desire for money, you should not rush into marriage to simply to satisfy a desire for sex, companionship or children.
Marriage from the Christian perspective is the exclusive covenant of one man and one woman before their Creator for the purposes of coming together, forming a family and growing together spiritually. It is as old as humanity itself. In Genesis chapter two, when God created the first man, Adam, He decided it was not good for man to be alone. He created Eve, the first woman, to be Adam’s companion.
Except for a very select few who do not experience a strong desire for sex, the apostle Paul is very clear in 1st Corinthians 7: 1-2 that Christians should plan on getting married.
“Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry. But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband.”
People need marriage because people need people. We were not designed to be solitary; instead we desire intimacy and companionship. Marriage is in many ways the most intimate relationship possible on earth.
Demographically speaking, we, as a culture are marrying later and later. The distance between puberty and marriage has lengthened considerably in the last century compared with previous centuries. This may be a reason for many current social ills, and leads to all kinds of sexual temptations. Sex is supposed to be a way for married couples to grow in intimacy and bring new life into the world. It is only sinless within marriage. God designed marriage as part of the human experience, as something that both requires and enhances maturity.
Marriage is not a perfect road to happiness, though many people seem to think it is. The attitude that marriage should lead to the satisfaction of all our deepest desires is unrealistic and has led to a high divorce rate and increased cynicism about marriage. A Christian view of marriage recognizes that only God can fully satisfy us and that sharing our lives with someone necessitates a certain degree of self-sacrifice as the husband puts aside some of his desires for his wife’s sake and vice versa. While romance is wonderful, it will quickly sour if we make unreasonable requests of it.
Reach columnist Thomas Cloud at opinion@dailyuw.com.
Judaism By Natalie Sikavi
Jewish tradition views the wedding day as one of holiness and sanctity. It is a day for repentance, prayer and charity. It is also customary for the bride and groom to fast on their wedding day. All of their sins are forgiven and they are given spiritual energies with which to face the new challenges of married life.
Jewish marriage is not designed for the ethical management of the sexual drive, nor is it a concession to human weakness. Marriage was established at Creation; it was not an afterthought designed to control their passions, but part of the natural order of human society.
The moment we are born we are destined for marriage. When a newborn child is named, a prayer said is le’chuppah u’le’maasim tovim, meaning “to the marriage canopy and a life of good deeds.” Marriage is a relationship created in order to perpetuate the species and enhance personal growth.
In the Torah it states that woman was created as ezer ke’negdo, literally “a helpmate opposite him” — meaning, a part of the spiritual union of two souls. The basic, G‑d-created human unit is man and woman, one flesh, completing one another. Man alone or woman alone constitutes only half of that unit.
If G‑d created man, woman and their marriage relationship, and if the creation of man and woman is good and marriage a blessing, then G‑d is a conscious partner in the marriage. Thus the ideal Jewish marriage is a triangle composed of two human beings and their creator.
The practice of celibacy is not a Jewish one because it reflects a philosophy of withdrawal from the real world. Jewish marriage is the decision to confront the challenge of the real world. Upon marriage, one is also entering the world — the world of the Jewish community, the world of concern for the survival of the Jewish people, and of care and responsibility for total strangers. As a man-wife unit, the married couple has a new voice. When G‑d becomes a partner at the wedding and a new Jewish home is created, a new significance is added.
Love seeks eternity and sanctity, and is rooted in a transcendent power. True love will not be fulfilled until it reaches that ultimate moment, the total commitment of marriage. Love is a sacred trust. It needs the sanctification of an almighty G‑d. Otherwise, love cannot withstand daily frustrations, angers and hurts. To flourish, love needs to be grounded in the plan of the Creator.
Marriage is the natural home of love. Here it can grow and enrich itself and leave something worthy in its wake. Mature love is expressed through giving, and through giving comes even greater love. The description of the relationship of bride and groom preserved in the blessing at the wedding service is reim ahu-vim, “beloved friends.”
To have a child is a connection with the future of the whole Jewish people. It depends upon marriage, the covenantal relationship of husband and wife.
Marriage is not simply a private arrangement designed solely for mutual satisfaction. Its importance rests in the love each couple demonstrates and the virtues they bring into their home. Jewish values thrive not as theories, but as they are lived daily.
Reach opinion editor Natalie Sikavi at opinion@dailyuw.com.
#1 Wade C.
(UW Campus)
on February 10, 2009 at 10:46 a.m.
I really appreciated this statement: "Jewish marriage is not designed for the ethical management of the sexual drive, nor is it a concession to human weakness."
very eloquently worded. couldn't agree more.