This is the transcript from "How to Fix a Bad Relationship".
Hi, I'm Patti German and I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist here in New York City. In this clip, we are going to talk about how to fix a bad relationship. Best place to start on is to understand what the problem is. For instance, if there are constant fighting we have to understand what's underneath the fighting.
There are four indicators of whether a marriage can really go on or a relationship is in trouble. One is if there is constant criticizing, if there is contempt, if there is defending, and if there is stonewalling. So we look at each one of these and try to understand what's happening in the communication between two people and most important part to understand is that each person has to take responsibility for what they may contributing to the problems in the relationship. It's not just one persons fault. Many times this is what happens each person is blaming the other person. Again this is Patti German in New York City.
Read more: How to Fix a Bad Relationship | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/video_4984346_fix-bad-relationship.html#ixzz1R7G7ORFs
I'm curious how they would look at each issue/indicator that there is something wrong:
Indicator of problem | What is it? | How do we combat it? How can we learn to communicate more effectively and learn from this? |
Constant Criticizing | complaining about everything, can be very abusive, not helpful for a loving relationship | Look at the Good/Focus on the Good/Speak with Words as Mild as Milk/Tactfulness/Kindness/Encouragement/Agility/Flexibility/Confidence/Security. Interesting Article: "Stop Hurtful Criticism" from website, Men in Marriage |
Contempt | Robert C. Solomon places contempt on the same continuum as resentment and anger, and he argues that the differences between the three emotions are that resentment is directed toward a higher status individual; anger is directed toward an equal status individual; and contempt is directed toward a lower status individual.[3] Contempt is often brought about by a combination of anger and disgust.[4] (wikipedia). | Love for the sake of God/Equality/Accompaniment/Patience/Independence/Dependence on God/Detachment/Love of God/Confidence How can we learn to go from contempt to understanding and equals loving and supporting each other? |
Defending | an attitude of "I didn't do anything." How can we learn to go from protecting and denying and defending, to accepting and learning and moving forward? | Truthfulness is the Foundation of All Human Virtues, Trustworthiness, Courage, Loyalty, Responsibility |
Stonewalling | To refuse to answer or cooperate with; resist or rebuff. How can we learn to communicate kindly, face things and move forward? | Unite the hearts of Thy servants, Harmony, Unity, Understanding, Hope, Honesty |
And the effective counsellor seems to be able to help a couple see what is happening in the communication between the two people, and to see how can each person take responsibility to solve this problem (not just one person's "fault" - both have responsibilities.). This is great to know. And it needs 2 people need to be dedicated to humbly learning what it takes to improve communication and ask for assistance. This is hopeful. Please share how we can improve this effort even more. When people are not able to get along but they want to, what can we do to improve the situation? If you need sleep, get rest, If you need food and water take care of that. If you need some security identify it. If you are long distance and need to be near each other, take care of that. If you need a decent job, take care of that. Help each other take care of the needs they have, help ourselves too.