From Suzanne Alexander, Marriage Transformation LLC
25241 Chatworth Drive
Cleveland, OH 44117 USA
800-501-6682
www.marriagetransformation.com
25241 Chatworth Drive
Cleveland, OH 44117 USA
800-501-6682
www.marriagetransformation.com
Happy Monday everyone!
| Commitment confidence – big stuff to think about on the relationship and marriage front. I recently asked a group of singles in a workshop where their confidence level was about being successful at marriage. The response? Very low. So, what's in the way? How do we raise our ability to commit in the first place and then stay committed over time? Interestingly, some research indicates that by debunking the myth of there being only one "soul mate" for each person on the planet, people may begin freeing themselves up to commit. When we aren't 100 percent certain that the one with us is THE ONE, we have one foot in the door and one on the way out of the relationship or marriage. And, if we run into someone else and think, "Oh, maybe this is my soulmate instead", infidelity to the first person can result. In reality, there are many people we can successfully marry if we are both committed to making it work. An even bigger issue is the blanket of negativity laying over society from the high divorce rate. Watch a family destruct, and it's definitely grounds to think twice about marrying. More insidious though is that we have a lot of people who have never observed a happy marriage close up and have no clue how to create one. Building our confidence under these circumstances isn't easy, but it's certainly possible. There is a wealth of relationship and marriage education resources to help. I'm enjoying doing workshops again and seeing the confidence levels notch up. I know from experience that it's possible to fail at one marriage and happily succeed at a new one. When I coach someone through this challenge of resisting commitment, particularly before marriage, I start with having the person write down their history of making and keeping all types of promises. When we look at our ability to pay bills on time, consistently keep appointments, and maintain friendships, we can usually see that we are better at commitment than we thought. We find confidence in what we've done well. Of course, a key foundation piece is ensuring we are committed to a good person in the first place. The key in dating and courting is getting to know one another's character. This means getting involved in a variety of activities with many people. You can then be confident that you know whether your partner is honest and truthful with you and with others, compassionate with someone who is sick, patient with children, responsible with their finances, and more. You need to talk about your expectations for how you will each behave after marriage and whether each is willing to sacrifice enough independence to be partners. Both of you have to figure out whether you are compatible enough, solid enough, skillful enough, and loving enough to stick it out with marriage for the long-haul. Are there warning signs before marriage that commitment resistance is happening? Broken promises, lack of closeness, uncertainty about feelings, or excuses can all be signs. One man I considered dating kept using the word "maybe" and listing everything else he needed to do instead. Red flags! Once we are married, signs could include boredom, lack of interest in conversation or physical intimacy, spending a lot of time with other people, and lots of complaints. These are all signs that it's a good idea to get some help. Commitment is a quality of character. We can choose to strengthen it through patient practice, which definitely requires the quality of courage as a partner. What's then possible? A true companion for all of eternity that we have created a soulmate relationship with through shared values, abiding love, and experiences. Links to books that include commitment: Before Marriage: http://www.marriagetransformation.com/store_BecomingeBooks.htm After Marriage: http://www.marriagetransformation.com/store.htm for Pure Gold: Encouraging Character Qualities in Marriage and Oro Puro: Desarrollo del C arácter en el Matrimonio (Spanish) Link to radio show with Susanne Alexander about commitment: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/ relationships360/2011/07/22/why-he-wont-commit I hope and pray that your relationships and marriages are blessed and happy. Please let me know whether I can help. Susanne Alexander, Relationship & Marriage Coach; Character and Couples Specialist Skype: Marriage Transformation; New International Number: 216-255-9301 |