We get together with friends every friday night, and at the last gathering there were 5 of us, so instead of playing a game, we had a discussion about marriage issues.
After some nice fruit and tea, then nice prayers and songs in 4 different languages, we talked about these two quotations in two languages:
1. As to the question of marriage, according to the law of God: First you must select one, and then it depends on the consent of the father and mother. Before your selection they have no right of interference.
关于婚姻的问题，根据上帝的律法：首先你必须选择一个对象，然后就取决于父亲和母亲的应允。在你选择对象之前他们无权干涉。
2. Bahá'í marriage is union and cordial affection between the two parties. They must, however, exercise the utmost care and become acquainted with each other's character. This eternal bond should be made secure by a firm covenant, and the intention should be to foster harmony, fellowship and unity and to attain everlasting life...
巴哈伊婚姻是两个人间的结合与诚挚的爱情。因此，他们必须十分地注意并熟悉彼此的品性。这个永恒的纽带必须由坚实的承诺来稳固，而培育和睦、情意、团结以至天长地久才应该是婚姻的出发点……
The discussion for 45 minutes that ensued was really interesting: How to overcome a parent's jealousy or over control related to giving consent. It turns out that this is a big issue in China also as well as Iran and many other cultures around the world - to get the parents' consent is hard.
In China, the parents are used to having control over who their children or in the modern case, their child, marries. They base what they are looking for on their own criteria, often a good job, or family, or healthy, or strong future. If the prospective mate is lacking in an area they deem important they will not give consent and there is not much room or experience with consultation about the matter. The younger generations are different, and they and their parents have TV shows showing how to consult about these issues between the generations of children and parents. How to have unity between the children's wishes and the parent's wishes. Unity.
Another friend mentioned that is was common, especially among sons and mothers, to let go and let another woman into the situation, in Iran (and other cultures). Women from cultures where women were not valued, respected or even wanted as much as boys (most cultures are still like that I think but it is changing towards equality of respect and appreciation in societies of both genders - toward Baha'u'llah's injunction and vision and reality), themselves seem to have a hard time letting go of their sons - because often they are not treated with respect by their fathers, their mothers, their society, their husbands - or anyone else - except their sons. So they hang on to that relationship with their sons as long as they can.
One friend originally from Iran, who was dealing with this, had recently decided to understand that his mom was extremely jealous of her son marrying anyone else to the point of refusing to give consent for anyone because of how she was treated as a girl in her own country - as not wanted - as all girls were treated - and she was holding on to her son who was the only man in her life that respected her. This friend came to this understanding and decided to talk with his family members about how to give her love and respect that she never had. To try to heal gender injustices to that the family could be happier. So that he could finally happily marry.
Another Persian friend recently, finally, at age 52, finally just got married this year. Happily. Without waiting for the "perfect girl" in his mother's eyes - he just set out to finally have his own life. He waited until age 52 to finally take that action. Perhaps he read the latest guidance from both the Universal House of Justice (January 2010) and the US National Spiritual Assembly (January 2011) on the issue of Parental Consent http://bahaimarriage.net/ParentalConsentUSNSAUHJJanuary2011.pdf and it made him realize that he had freedom to choose and to consult with parents to help them let go of old fears.
We talked about how in the western cultures these day things are changing - often the women start to get the love and respect they need - they start to feel valued. If not from their fathers and mothers, then from a decent husband, so when they have sons - they are less likely to hang on so much and encourage them to enjoy their own lives and loves. Baha'u'llah wants us to strive and endeavor for healing and equality and valuing each other and mutual respect and happy marriage and new and more and more developed families. He'll help us in this especially if we ask, and strive and pay attention. Mature more to help the next generation build even healthier marriages and families and societies.
I personally had not really really thought about this issue much because it seemed in my family the parents want their children to marry and have a nice family. They almost seemed indifferent to what happened as our culture was full of all kinds of marriages, divorces, remarriages and lots of other kinds of situations - it seemed it was almost "none of their business".
However, reflecting on it, I could see the possibly my dad could not be so happy to have me marry someone else because maybe he wouldn't be the beloved "strongest man in the world" - he would be somehow replaced and lose that love that he needed and got from his little daughters. I could see also how my mom may not be so happy to have me marry because then she feared I wouldn't be able to give her so much attention and take care of her in her later years. Maybe she was also not encouraging marriage because she didn't want us to "make the same mistakes" she did in the past, and suffer so much without knowing why or how to improve the situation. Didn't seem they were able to consciously be concerned with our development - as much as healing their own selves and doing their best to raise us.
Here in the west I find that the parents aren't directly involved in encouraging children to prepare for a good marriage nor are they expected to be involved or even give consent. There is a lot of fear of failure and getting hurt. It is subtle. Subtle how they don't really encourage or even prepare us to be active participants in strong, loving, healthy, happy marriages. Maybe they didn't have much knowledge or goodwhen they were raising us.
But there is a lot of courage and hope and growth, too. When they themselves make efforts to be in better relationships, that is encouraging.
When our marriages and parenting become more mature this will change and improve. As parents we will see our responsibility in teaching our children how to
1. be a strong and happy woman or man.
2. A solidly strong woman or man who knows how to take care of herself/himself and then how to nurture a strong, loving relationship.
3. learn to develop careers and livelihoods, work at something important and useful to our hearts and skills and purpose for life and earn a good living.
4. take care of our physical as well as spiritual health. To build good friendships and relationships with family and friends, to choose a partner for marriage who would be a great helpmeet?
5. train and encourage us to be independent of men but also their friends and partners?
6. take care of our spiritual and community needs and interests as well as our practical career and health and understandings of how to integrate spiritual realities into the life we were living in.
7. learn and practice how to balance dreams with action.
8. see our children as future loving and happy spouses and parents, community members and leaders in arts and sciences.
9. hone our children to be responsible materially, spiritually, emotionally and socially.
Maybe in today's marriages we can address these things as a couple and help each other heal and grow, and then be able to help our kids learn about the things we're learning and then the kids will take if further under the love and guidance we are able to give them. We can let go of the fear of failure and getting hurt and trust God more somehow.
The rule of consent is a nice balance to what the world has now. I'm sure this consent rule has a lot more wonderful implications for a more harmonious life.
Pray about this and take action: "Enter into wedlock, O people, that ye may bring forth one who will make mention of me amid My servants. This is My bidding unto you; hold fast to it as an assistance to yourselves."
"Let this gathering be a foreshadowing of what will, in very truth, take place in this world, when every child of God realizes that they are leaves of one tree, flowers in one garden, drops in one ocean, and sons and daughters of one Father, whose name is love!"
('Abdu'l-Bahá, Paris Talks, p. 30)