Some Thoughts on Marriage
by karim-i-ithaca
by karim-i-ithaca
December 2000
Let's begin with a pop quiz:
1) Among Baha'i youth, what is the subject that causes
most confusion and consternation?
a. The meaning behind the Persian Hidden Word # 19.
b. The reason why many adults seem to avoid getting
elected to LSAs.
c. Sex and marriage.
2) Among Baha'i youth, what is the law that we most
frequently struggle with?
a. Renewing our furnishings every 19 years.
b. Observing the Sabbath.
c. Remaining chaste until marriage.
3) In Shoghi Effendi's letters, what is the counsel he
emphasized, re-emphasized, and repeatedly brought to
the attention of us youth?
(Hint: it is also a virtue)
a. To wear only Adidas shoes, because the three
stripes are "groovy."
b. To be free from Ray Shull's pre-chewed dice.
c. To be chaste.
I'm sure you found the quiz rather easy, but most of
us Baha'i youth, in spite of being equipped with clear
guidance, are strggling to get a passing grade. We are
seriously confused about everything to do with
sexuality.
It's a major stumbling block in our lives, causing us
to "fall" in love; it forms part of that glamorous,
enticing society that keeps us straddling the growing
gap between two Worlds—one foot stretching towards the
New World of reason, love, happiness and service, and
the other stuck in the old World of drama, romance,
and heartbreak. Let's face it: our confusion in the
area of sex and marriage is holding us back from
becoming the noble selves God wants us to be.
The good news is that our holy Writings are replete
with guidance on everything—from friendship to
marriage and everything between. For example, here's
the secret to happiness: "...chastity should be
strictly practiced by both sexes, not only because it
is in itself highly commendable ethically, but also
due to its being the only way to a happy and
successful marital life" We've all read this and yet
we're far from its practice. It's
time to create a new set of standards, new
conventions, new patterns of behavior, in everything
that has to do with sex and marriage and relations
with the opposite sex, based on the Holy Writings.
The Sad, Sad, Silly Problem(s)
First a definition, chastity: "Chastity
implies both before and after marriage an unsullied,
chaste sex life. Before marriage absolutely chaste,
after marriage absolutely faithful to one's chosen
companion. Faithful
in all sexual acts, faithful in word and in deed."
Now we will differ in our interpretation of what this
means and this is good. A letter of the Universal
House of Justice stated that it is neither possible
nor desirable for the House to specify exactly what it
means to be chaste; each individual has the
reponsibility to figure that out for him or herself.
This notwithstanding, not studying the writings leads
to some pretty wayward interpretations.
It seems to me (and is interesting to me) that even
some of the most devoted and deepened Bahá'ís —those
who have won innumerable Tadik points in the arena of
teaching and service—pull some of the silliest, most
puzzling, "Old world" stunts in the arena of matrimony
and courtship. This seems to indicate that confusion
is widespread.
We've all seen cases of frivolous romance and
desperation: people trying to win another's affection
using old world magic (e.g. roses and chocolates);
friends and parents who, while "courting" could not
bring themselves to broach the subject of marriage,
and who end up waiting until the last day, only to
say, "where shall we hold the wedding?"; friends
proposing out of the blue. All this is surely romantic
and cute. But romantic and cute are just not enough
when making one of the most important decisions in
life. Dating and divorce stories and statistics attest
to the problem.
What's Over, What's Begun, and Why
The age of popping the question is over! The age of
boyfriends and girlfiends is over! The age of
frivolous romance (superficial, soap opera, secret
admirer stuff) is over! The age of lavish, white ress
weddings is
over! and THE AGE OF RATIONAL ROMANCE, SPIRITUAL LOVE,
AND MEANINGFUL MATRIMONY IS COME!!!
Popping the question is out of the question for many a
reason. Most importantly, Baha'u'llah's. For one, He
says "Take ye counsel together in all matters,
inasmuch as consultation is the lamp of guidance which
leadeth
the way, and is the bestower of understanding." The
light of consultation leaves popping the question in
the dark. One would hope that if two people want to
get well-acquainted with one another, that they would
engage in a certain degree of open sharing. The Big M
decision should not be left up to the whims of a
moment, or to a special mood found in a special place.
Consultation makes sense and ensures a good decision.
I would guess that many of the marriages that do not
succeed, did not consult.
As to the boyfriend/girlfriend thing, it too is over
--at least that is how I interpret the writings on
chastity. If we accept the rather unpopular
interpretation of the quote in a rather literal,
un-sexy, unromantic way—that is "no nothin' before
marriage,"—then a question arises: how in the
world are we supposed to get to know somebody if we
can't even date, kiss, or anything?! Are we supposed
then to make the leap from "howdy friend" to
"Darling, love of my life, eternal partner, how art
thou?" with no steps in between?! To answer these
questions, some of us are ingenious and come
up with a "kinda'/sorta' boyfriends and girlfriends"
answer with many obfuscating qualifiers (as in, "we
kiss but no further").
I think there is a simpler, saner answer. No, we don't
have to resort to dating. We just invent a new
category: Friend(s) in the Process of Investigation
(FPI). No hanky-panky involved, just open
communication. Having such a category and term will
help clarify one's intentions and expectations,
avoiding potential mishaps. The FPI concept is of
course not new. Many people have figured this
out a long time ago, but, as far as I can see, it
isn't common knowledge (or at least not common
practice).
The age of frivolous romance is over, because it goes
against the principles of our faith. For example, the
bewilderingly common practice of swooning over another
person's physical qualities, and making flowery
advances based on feelings of attraction doesn't make
sense—however 'natural' and potent the feelings may
be. The Master wants us really to get to know the
other person, not fall in love. Choosing one's mate
merits
a rational process. It makes sense to be transparent,
allowing others to see who we are. On the other hand,
avoiding classical romantic formulas doesn't
mean we should be cold and neglect all emotion, it
just means avoiding frivolity, focussing instead on
honesty and love.
So all that is well and good, but where do we go from
here?
So we're back to the beginning: how are we going to
change our practices to bring them more in line with
Bahá'u'lláh's Revelation? Remember two things.
First: Our task is not easy—we're creating a new
culture, a culture entirely different from the one
we're living in. It will be a hard, difficult,
and therefore exciting process.
Second: There are two major guides in this respect
(that I can think of) to help us come up with new
customs and practices —Bahá'u'lláh's teachings on the
purpose of life, and the example and words of the
Master.
Being conscious of our purpose in life is of course a
guiding light in all our daily activities; in regards
to sex and marriage it is equally illuminating. First
of all, if we acknowledge that our purpose in life
is essentially spiritual, it takes a major load off
our shoulders: romance and sexuality pale into
significance before the ultimate purpose of knowing
and loving God and serving humanity. And
marriage—though not obligatory —fits well within this
spiritual vision. The Master states that the purpose
of Baha'i marriage is that "husband and wife should be
united both physically
and spiritually, that they may ever improve the
spiritual life of each other, and may enjoy
everlasting unity throughout all the worlds of God."
His marriage was certainly an example of this.
Several relevant implications follow. For one, it is
obvious that the most important factor in choosing a
partner is making sure that he or she will be
someone who will help us to love and know God, and
serve humanity. If we think that the marriage will
detract in the least bit to this goal, the marriage is
a no-go. 'Abdu'l-Baha gave us an example of matrimony
as a form of service when he counseled Louis Gregory
and Louisa Matthews to marry each other. Inter-racial
marriage is still a major act of service, and a
factor not to be discounted when considering a
partner.
Another result of the purpose of life perspective is
that physical attraction and beauty takes its
appropriate, minor role in marriage. In a recent
Sociology class I heard about a study that looked at
the factors that men and women consider important in a
marriage. Over the last twenty years or so, most men
have ranked physical beauty as the single most
important factor when choosing a partner, and women
are increasingly doing the same.
With a Baha'i worldview we must refuse to abet those
statistics and use instead a 3-point checklist for
finding the "perfect" mate: Will he/she help
me love God? Know God? Serve humanity? Allowing these
requirements to supercede the question, "Is he/she
attractive?" is certainly difficult, but is worth the
struggle.
From both our beloved Master and Guardian's example we
can also get a general sense as to how weddings should
be: simple . The ceremony in itself of course is
important, but I don't think that any one of us could
justify a lavish wedding in the presence of either of
the above-named figures. Make them happy: have a
simple wedding and give the extra money to the Fund.
The best weddings I've attended have been simple; the
love between bride and groom fill in for extravagant
detail.
I've noted a considerable degree of desperation and
frustration among us Baha'i youth in regards to
finding a mate, which is understandable. However, it
seems to me that enshrined in the Baha'i writings we
have Foolproof Formula for Finding a Fine Mate (or,
more accurately, for achieving God's will in regards
to our matrimony). The basic premise behind this
formula has
been mentioned earlier and is the firm belief in the
existence of a Gracious God, "...the splendors of
Whose grace have been shed over the obedient and
the rebellious." And not only belief, but "trust in
God," which is the "source of all good" (including
good matches).This is the most important ingredient in
the formula, an ingredient that implies relaxing, not
worrying about a thing.
One way to demonstrate this trust—and the second
essential ingredient—is prayer. The third, and last,
ingredient requires a bit more effort on our part. God
does His part (unfailingly), and we gotta' do ours: be
happy, be chaste, serve humanity, and be open to God's
guidance.
So even though sometimes it may feel like we are going
to die bachelors, let's hang in there. We gotta'
remember that we are working with the Most Great
Matchmaking Service: we must strive and God will find
us matchless matches. So don't rush. As our history
reminds us, a fortress can double as a prison. And
just like when faced with a pop-quiz: we gotta' choose
wisely.
=====
Let's begin with a pop quiz:
1) Among Baha'i youth, what is the subject that causes
most confusion and consternation?
a. The meaning behind the Persian Hidden Word # 19.
b. The reason why many adults seem to avoid getting
elected to LSAs.
c. Sex and marriage.
2) Among Baha'i youth, what is the law that we most
frequently struggle with?
a. Renewing our furnishings every 19 years.
b. Observing the Sabbath.
c. Remaining chaste until marriage.
3) In Shoghi Effendi's letters, what is the counsel he
emphasized, re-emphasized, and repeatedly brought to
the attention of us youth?
(Hint: it is also a virtue)
a. To wear only Adidas shoes, because the three
stripes are "groovy."
b. To be free from Ray Shull's pre-chewed dice.
c. To be chaste.
I'm sure you found the quiz rather easy, but most of
us Baha'i youth, in spite of being equipped with clear
guidance, are strggling to get a passing grade. We are
seriously confused about everything to do with
sexuality.
It's a major stumbling block in our lives, causing us
to "fall" in love; it forms part of that glamorous,
enticing society that keeps us straddling the growing
gap between two Worlds—one foot stretching towards the
New World of reason, love, happiness and service, and
the other stuck in the old World of drama, romance,
and heartbreak. Let's face it: our confusion in the
area of sex and marriage is holding us back from
becoming the noble selves God wants us to be.
The good news is that our holy Writings are replete
with guidance on everything—from friendship to
marriage and everything between. For example, here's
the secret to happiness: "...chastity should be
strictly practiced by both sexes, not only because it
is in itself highly commendable ethically, but also
due to its being the only way to a happy and
successful marital life" We've all read this and yet
we're far from its practice. It's
time to create a new set of standards, new
conventions, new patterns of behavior, in everything
that has to do with sex and marriage and relations
with the opposite sex, based on the Holy Writings.
The Sad, Sad, Silly Problem(s)
First a definition, chastity: "Chastity
implies both before and after marriage an unsullied,
chaste sex life. Before marriage absolutely chaste,
after marriage absolutely faithful to one's chosen
companion. Faithful
in all sexual acts, faithful in word and in deed."
Now we will differ in our interpretation of what this
means and this is good. A letter of the Universal
House of Justice stated that it is neither possible
nor desirable for the House to specify exactly what it
means to be chaste; each individual has the
reponsibility to figure that out for him or herself.
This notwithstanding, not studying the writings leads
to some pretty wayward interpretations.
It seems to me (and is interesting to me) that even
some of the most devoted and deepened Bahá'ís —those
who have won innumerable Tadik points in the arena of
teaching and service—pull some of the silliest, most
puzzling, "Old world" stunts in the arena of matrimony
and courtship. This seems to indicate that confusion
is widespread.
We've all seen cases of frivolous romance and
desperation: people trying to win another's affection
using old world magic (e.g. roses and chocolates);
friends and parents who, while "courting" could not
bring themselves to broach the subject of marriage,
and who end up waiting until the last day, only to
say, "where shall we hold the wedding?"; friends
proposing out of the blue. All this is surely romantic
and cute. But romantic and cute are just not enough
when making one of the most important decisions in
life. Dating and divorce stories and statistics attest
to the problem.
What's Over, What's Begun, and Why
The age of popping the question is over! The age of
boyfriends and girlfiends is over! The age of
frivolous romance (superficial, soap opera, secret
admirer stuff) is over! The age of lavish, white ress
weddings is
over! and THE AGE OF RATIONAL ROMANCE, SPIRITUAL LOVE,
AND MEANINGFUL MATRIMONY IS COME!!!
Popping the question is out of the question for many a
reason. Most importantly, Baha'u'llah's. For one, He
says "Take ye counsel together in all matters,
inasmuch as consultation is the lamp of guidance which
leadeth
the way, and is the bestower of understanding." The
light of consultation leaves popping the question in
the dark. One would hope that if two people want to
get well-acquainted with one another, that they would
engage in a certain degree of open sharing. The Big M
decision should not be left up to the whims of a
moment, or to a special mood found in a special place.
Consultation makes sense and ensures a good decision.
I would guess that many of the marriages that do not
succeed, did not consult.
As to the boyfriend/girlfriend thing, it too is over
--at least that is how I interpret the writings on
chastity. If we accept the rather unpopular
interpretation of the quote in a rather literal,
un-sexy, unromantic way—that is "no nothin' before
marriage,"—then a question arises: how in the
world are we supposed to get to know somebody if we
can't even date, kiss, or anything?! Are we supposed
then to make the leap from "howdy friend" to
"Darling, love of my life, eternal partner, how art
thou?" with no steps in between?! To answer these
questions, some of us are ingenious and come
up with a "kinda'/sorta' boyfriends and girlfriends"
answer with many obfuscating qualifiers (as in, "we
kiss but no further").
I think there is a simpler, saner answer. No, we don't
have to resort to dating. We just invent a new
category: Friend(s) in the Process of Investigation
(FPI). No hanky-panky involved, just open
communication. Having such a category and term will
help clarify one's intentions and expectations,
avoiding potential mishaps. The FPI concept is of
course not new. Many people have figured this
out a long time ago, but, as far as I can see, it
isn't common knowledge (or at least not common
practice).
The age of frivolous romance is over, because it goes
against the principles of our faith. For example, the
bewilderingly common practice of swooning over another
person's physical qualities, and making flowery
advances based on feelings of attraction doesn't make
sense—however 'natural' and potent the feelings may
be. The Master wants us really to get to know the
other person, not fall in love. Choosing one's mate
merits
a rational process. It makes sense to be transparent,
allowing others to see who we are. On the other hand,
avoiding classical romantic formulas doesn't
mean we should be cold and neglect all emotion, it
just means avoiding frivolity, focussing instead on
honesty and love.
So all that is well and good, but where do we go from
here?
So we're back to the beginning: how are we going to
change our practices to bring them more in line with
Bahá'u'lláh's Revelation? Remember two things.
First: Our task is not easy—we're creating a new
culture, a culture entirely different from the one
we're living in. It will be a hard, difficult,
and therefore exciting process.
Second: There are two major guides in this respect
(that I can think of) to help us come up with new
customs and practices —Bahá'u'lláh's teachings on the
purpose of life, and the example and words of the
Master.
Being conscious of our purpose in life is of course a
guiding light in all our daily activities; in regards
to sex and marriage it is equally illuminating. First
of all, if we acknowledge that our purpose in life
is essentially spiritual, it takes a major load off
our shoulders: romance and sexuality pale into
significance before the ultimate purpose of knowing
and loving God and serving humanity. And
marriage—though not obligatory —fits well within this
spiritual vision. The Master states that the purpose
of Baha'i marriage is that "husband and wife should be
united both physically
and spiritually, that they may ever improve the
spiritual life of each other, and may enjoy
everlasting unity throughout all the worlds of God."
His marriage was certainly an example of this.
Several relevant implications follow. For one, it is
obvious that the most important factor in choosing a
partner is making sure that he or she will be
someone who will help us to love and know God, and
serve humanity. If we think that the marriage will
detract in the least bit to this goal, the marriage is
a no-go. 'Abdu'l-Baha gave us an example of matrimony
as a form of service when he counseled Louis Gregory
and Louisa Matthews to marry each other. Inter-racial
marriage is still a major act of service, and a
factor not to be discounted when considering a
partner.
Another result of the purpose of life perspective is
that physical attraction and beauty takes its
appropriate, minor role in marriage. In a recent
Sociology class I heard about a study that looked at
the factors that men and women consider important in a
marriage. Over the last twenty years or so, most men
have ranked physical beauty as the single most
important factor when choosing a partner, and women
are increasingly doing the same.
With a Baha'i worldview we must refuse to abet those
statistics and use instead a 3-point checklist for
finding the "perfect" mate: Will he/she help
me love God? Know God? Serve humanity? Allowing these
requirements to supercede the question, "Is he/she
attractive?" is certainly difficult, but is worth the
struggle.
From both our beloved Master and Guardian's example we
can also get a general sense as to how weddings should
be: simple . The ceremony in itself of course is
important, but I don't think that any one of us could
justify a lavish wedding in the presence of either of
the above-named figures. Make them happy: have a
simple wedding and give the extra money to the Fund.
The best weddings I've attended have been simple; the
love between bride and groom fill in for extravagant
detail.
I've noted a considerable degree of desperation and
frustration among us Baha'i youth in regards to
finding a mate, which is understandable. However, it
seems to me that enshrined in the Baha'i writings we
have Foolproof Formula for Finding a Fine Mate (or,
more accurately, for achieving God's will in regards
to our matrimony). The basic premise behind this
formula has
been mentioned earlier and is the firm belief in the
existence of a Gracious God, "...the splendors of
Whose grace have been shed over the obedient and
the rebellious." And not only belief, but "trust in
God," which is the "source of all good" (including
good matches).This is the most important ingredient in
the formula, an ingredient that implies relaxing, not
worrying about a thing.
One way to demonstrate this trust—and the second
essential ingredient—is prayer. The third, and last,
ingredient requires a bit more effort on our part. God
does His part (unfailingly), and we gotta' do ours: be
happy, be chaste, serve humanity, and be open to God's
guidance.
So even though sometimes it may feel like we are going
to die bachelors, let's hang in there. We gotta'
remember that we are working with the Most Great
Matchmaking Service: we must strive and God will find
us matchless matches. So don't rush. As our history
reminds us, a fortress can double as a prison. And
just like when faced with a pop-quiz: we gotta' choose
wisely.
=====