Dear ----,
Hope all’s going well for you. I don’t know why my computer internet cut off when it did. Maybe because you needed to sleep and we needed to not have that conversation at the time and I needed to write this.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about relationships with regard to my last friend. I wanted to make him fit my dream. But it was not a smart way to spend my time. I have to be honest with who I am and who he is and if I can’t find a natural connection and help it along, then I have to face it and stop wasting time.
With all this painful learning fresh in my heart and mind, I’d like to be able to be very frank with you. I hope it’s helpful to you and not too overwhelming.
You know that I have a hard time with some of the half-hearted sexual jokes and flirts deliberately trying to push what I consider respectful boundaries. We’ve been having this dynamic for all the years we’ve known each other. I think I accepted it early on because I wanted some attention, and inappropriate attention seemed better than none. Well I’m now just interested in cool attention that is respectful, builds trust, and has healthy boundaries. I’m no longer interested in talking with you if you’re going to make the sexual jokes and try to make it seem like I’m the one who wants to talk about it, etc. etc. etc. It really makes me feel bad and uncomfortable. And I don’t want that and I think deep down you don’t want it either.
Having said that, I also want you to know I appreciate so much that you are a sensitive, intelligent, funny, real man. And as a friend who is sometimes somewhat indirectly encouraged to consider you as more than a casual friend, I have thought about what is missing here, that our loose telephone friendship can’t go further. One, the lack of respect of talking about sex in a way that makes me uncomfortable and doesn’t show respect is a big hindrance. I can handle talking about sex where there is respect and a purpose besides trying to get a cheap thrill but that’s not usually the case when we talk about it for some reason. Two, the half hearted attempts to start something is a also a turnoff – and I’ll explain why later. Three, trying to talk me out of my values and goals related to my values is another huge turn-off, redflag, stop sign.
If a man was truly interested in respecting and loving and honoring a woman and building an amazing marriage, he would ask himself why he was attracted to her and find out what was in her heart and try to uplift it.
For example I would expect my life partner to know that I want a "true Baha’I marriage" and he would learn all he could about how to do that.
For reference: http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Signs_for_Selecting_a_Spouse_for_a_Successful_Marriage .
He would find that he was very attracted to Baha’u’llah and his Message and purpose for being here. He would be very interested in being an active, thoughtful, conscientious Baha’I, in aligning his heart and mind and life to Baha’u’llah’s Teachings about life and building a better world. He would find a way to work through his veils – the things that stop him from taking action towards this Cause. If he had a bad experience he would work through it with the help of friends perhaps, but he would perservere and find his way to his Beloved, i.e. the Promised One of God.
He would strive to use all his abilities, gifts, talents, inclinations, brains, sensitivity, to study all he could about what’s important to him in terms of knowing himself, achieving his purpose in life, making a positive change in the world according to who he is and what he’s attracted to and gifted with, and about carefully building a strong, loving, peaceful partnership with his wife and their family.
And as he is aligning himself and studying, and building healthy relationships, and practicing the principles and loving it and being on fire, he would continue making healthy relationships with the new people he would meet around him, in Baha’I communities and larger community. These friendships would help him become more knowledbale about who he is and what he’s supposed to be – and help his friends do the same. Naturally, and creatively. He would put his energies into the four lines of action for community development that we’re all working on working with his friends, women and men. These would lead him to a more focused approach to his studies, his work, his relationships, his purpose. Etc. If he noticed he had some problems that needed attention, he would use all the resources available to him to help solve them – prayer, study, wise friends, therapists he finds competent, courses that align to what he’s striving for and he appreciates, healthy practices that help the whole situation….etc.
And then if he and I found ourselves attracted to each other in service and the spark of being attracted to Baha’u’llah and aligning our hearts and life to those values, if we were respectful to the law of chastity and wanted to improve on it wherever we are with it, and we wanted to work together on the four community activities mentioned above and did, and we wanted to hang out and do creative, fun things together, helping each other with personal and professional goals, going to marriage workshops, getting to know each other’s families and improve relations there, all while living near each other of course, and we were both interested in and took actions each day to building a strong, healthy friendship together and build an open honest interaction with each other’s parents, and he and I were both very encouraging and kind to each other with our words and actions – then I would think could continue our investigation, very conscious and deliberate – fun and creative and natural too. Once we knew we wanted to form this Baha’I marriage commitment, we would then ask for permission from our parents. Whatever they said we would respect and work with. If they said we should try some other activities in order to prepare better we would consider it and take new actions. Then after passing through all this, we could take the next step to commit to a warm, loving, harmonious, marriage, having chosen our life partner carefully based on how well we both can help each other grow even more spiritually, materially, and become shining stars.
I know I am looking for a partnership with a man who is aligned to similar things – specifically trying to get my thoughts, heart, feelings, and actions aligned with the teachings of God for this day, each day. Not someone who finds me annoying or too idealistic or wants to challenge me every step of the way or make me stop trying to do this very important and not so easy goal. Someone who wants to work on these ideals together and make them real – with respect for chastity and much more, and together help each other go always towards the big Goal.
So if this is not in your immediate plans please don’t joke with me about marriage or hooking up or sex or any of that stuff. If you want to chat and talk about things that will help us advance in our studies or spiritual life, I’m available for the chat. Otherwise, no time to waste.
I wish you the best.
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