So, my brother today was kind of enough to be open and safe and...kind - to allow for a nice discussion about dating - how in the heck are we supposed to do this? I mean, seriously, there are few models to follow that incorporate:
1. thoroughly becoming acquainted with the character and ways to do it (please share if you know of some, any, either through personal experiences, second hand stories, or just ideal ideas)
This comes from this that the members of the couple
"must, however, exercise the utmost care to become thoroughly acquainted withWhat are some ways we could do that?
the character of the other, that the binding covenant between them may be a tie
that will endure forever."
2. being able to find out through open discussion if we both have the same PURPOSE - and by that i mean,
"to become loving companions and comrades and at one with each other for timeAnd once it's established that we both have the same purpose what are some ways to go about doing this?
and eternity..."
Ok, so we came up with an analogy: Combining the TRIANGLE analogy - the husband and wife at the two bottom corners of the triangle working their way towards the same goal - towards God, who is at the top corner of the triangle - serving God, improving one's character in accordance with the Guidance from God, and serving humanity according that same Guidance and all that you were given - with the CAKE analogy - that you have to have a strong foundation - a good cake - then you can add the toppings (what people usually go for first - the physical attraction and relationship).
So how do we make a cake? We must go into the kitchen together and try out our skills. Hopefully we've learned enough at home and in school to work well with others and cook. The bottom line of the triangle is the KITCHEN OF SERVICE (bear with me). Keep on keeping on -- keep on trying and reading cookbooks together and trying for the same goals, same purposes. Reminding ourselves of our mutual goals and purpose.
Our foundation? Our cake? "The foundation of the Kingdom of God is based upon harmony and love, oneness, relationship and union, not upon differences, especially between husband and wife."
Our realm of service - is our marriage - or kitchen. Now it shouldn't be too hot or too cold, too much or too little of the ingredients. Take care of that kitchen, realm of service to God, each other, the marriage, family, community and humanity. Have fun and garnish!
No foundation - no lasting fun stuff.
"The greatest danger is when one partner goes nto the kitchen with (Ahem) half-baked ideas"
So, we gots to learn and be on the same page through service.
Got it? Let's dance...
So our goal: A Happy Marriage
"The Lord, peerless is He, hath made woman and man to abide with each other in
the closest companionship, and to be even as a single soul. They are two
helpmates, two intimate friends, who should be concerned about the welfare of
each other. If they live thus, they will pass through this world with perfect
contentment, bliss, and peace of heart, and become the object of divine grace
and favour in the Kingdom of heaven."
How we do it? Service to God with Others - meaning true friendship, true brothers and sisters with others. What, it sounds naive? fluffy? out there? Is sounds nice but how?
Try to be friends with people and to develop yourself in other ways - your health, your service, your calling, your talents... and find friends to do that with openly. This is cooking in the kitchen.
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here is much more from a very nice website on the subject of Baha'i marriage:
http://www.netcomuk.co.uk/~vickers/warwick_bookshop/pages/marriage.html
Baha'is take marriage very seriously, as they believe it is intended to be a spiritual relationship which will last for eternity.
"The true marriage of Baha'is is this, that husband and wife should be united
both physically and spiritually, that they may ever improve the spiritual life
of each other, and may enjoy everlasting unity throughout all the worlds of
God."
It is also a physical relationship and a friendship. A successful marriage should go a long way towards ensuring the health and happiness of husband and wife.
In order to achieve a happy and permanent union, first of all great care needs to be taken in approaching marriage in the right way.
Choosing a Partner
Baha'u'llah encouraged everyone to marry. He described marriage as a "fortress for well-being", the normal and healthy state for adults, where sexual feelings can be safely expressed in a spirit of love. Baha'is are expected to be completely chaste before marriage and totally faithful within marriage.
According to Baha'i belief, the couple must be free to choose one another, and the parents have no right to interfere or to "arrange" a marriage.
The couple:
"must, however, exercise the utmost care to become thoroughly acquainted with
the character of the other, that the binding covenant between them may be a tie
that will endure forever. Their purpose must be this: to become loving
companions and comrades and at one with each other for time and eternity..."
When the couple have made their choice they must then obtain their parents' approval before they can marry. This ensures that they will have the support of both of their families, particularly helpful in time of trouble. It preserves the unity of the family, for unity and harmony are the keynotes of Baha'i life and Baha'i teachings. It also helps to ensure that their choice is the right one. The parents must do all they can to get to know the proposed partner well enough to see if the couple are suited and the marriage is likely to be a success. They should realise that they must never refuse permission simply because of differences of, for instance, race, religion or background. When the parents give their wholehearted support to a marriage, it has a much greater chance of success.
The Marriage Ceremony
Ideally, once approval has been given, the marriage should take place within 3 months. The Baha'i marriage ceremony itself is very simple. All that is required is that the bride and groom each say, in front of witnesses,
"We will all, verily, abide by the will of God"
. Everything else is left to the couple's choice and can reflect the culture of the area or of the participants. Usually the couple will choose prayers and readings and will have their friends and relatives sharing the ceremony. In some countries it is necessary to have a civil ceremony first, in others the Baha'i wedding is accepted as a legal ceremony. If a Baha'i marries someone of another religion, then usually ceremonies will be performed in both religions.
Making A Marriage Work
"Baha'i marriage is the commitment of the two parties one to the other, and
their mutual attachment of mind and heart."
The couple must learn to live together in harmony, and to work together as a team. They should share their concerns and the events of their lives and always show affection to one another:
"Nourish continually the tree of your union."
Neither has the right to impose their wishes on the other:
"There are, therefore, times when a wife should defer to her husband, and times
when a husband should defer to his wife, but neither should ever unjustly
dominate the other."
The Baha'i teachings on the equality of men and women must be put into practice in the home.
They must be absolutely faithful and loyal to each other, spiritually as well as physically.
Most importantly, husband and wife should pray together, especially when they face problems or difficulties.
"The love between husband and wife should not be purely physical, nay rather it
must be spiritual and heavenly. These two souls should be considered as one
soul. How difficult it would be to divide a single soul!"
Children
Apart from the spiritual companionship already described, the main purpose of marriage is the rearing of children. This is a very important and difficult task and a great responsibility. It can place a great strain on the marital relationship if the couple have not prepared themselves for this. Husband and wife should study the guidance in the Baha'i writings on the raising of children. They should discuss their aims and objectives and ensure that they both treat the children in the same way.
Solving Problems
"Lay the foundations of your affections in the very centre of your spiritual
being."
Differences of race, religion and culture should not be allowed to become a problem. Baha'is revere the Founders of each of the world's religions and cherish the different cultures of the world. Unity in diversity is a keynote theme in the Baha'i Faith and gives beauty to a marriage and enriches the couple.
When problems arise or decisions need to be made, the couple should pray and then consult together as to the solutions. Consultation is one of the most important laws of the Baha'i Faith. When practised in a spirit of prayer, solutions will be found much more easily.
Divorce
Marriage is considered such an important bond that, although divorce is allowed between Baha'is, it is to be avoided if at all possible. It should only be contemplated if the couple develop a real dislike for one another.
"The foundation of the Kingdom of God is based upon harmony and love, oneness,
relationship and union, not upon differences, especially between husband and
wife."
If the couple have differences which they cannot solve between themselves, their parents and families will try to help. They should also turn to their Local Baha'i Assembly for advice and guidance. They may also wish to seek professional advice. However, if the couple reach the point where they feel that they can no longer live together, they must announce their intention to divorce and then live apart for one year. During this year all efforts will be made to help the couple to be reconciled. But, if all attempts fail, at the end of the year the marriage will be ended.
A Happy Marriage
"The Lord, peerless is He, hath made woman and man to abide with each other in
the closest companionship, and to be even as a single soul. They are two
helpmates, two intimate friends, who should be concerned about the welfare of
each other. If they live thus, they will pass through this world with perfect
contentment, bliss, and peace of heart, and become the object of divine grace
and favour in the Kingdom of heaven."
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