Criticism: is it ever really constructive?

On no subject are the Bahá’í teachings more emphatic than on the necessity to abstain from fault-finding, while being ever eager to discover and root out our own faults and overcome our own failings.~ From a letter written on behalf of The Universal House of Justice

. . . About eight months ago a close friend of mine organized a small informal dinner with a married couple who are well known and highly respected. She wanted them to talk to us about marriage and share some insights with us which they have gleaned after over thirty years of a healthy marriage. In the course of the evening the husband made a statement that blew my mind and that I frequently revisit and meditate on (hence this post 8 months later). He said that when he married his wife he vowed to himself that he would never criticize her. (That’s right—never). He said something along the lines of “I married her because she’s an intelligent, mature woman. She has a relationship with Bahá’u’lláh and she’s accountable to Him [not me, he seemed to imply] for her actions. She brings herself to account each night and doesn’t need me to tell her how to improve. Even if she does something that really annoys me, I don’t tell her. She’s smart and I know she’ll figure it out.” Mind blown.

How could you be married to someone for thirty years and never criticize that person? I just could not wrap my mind around the amount of self control that would require. And is it even a good thing? The next day I had lunch with a large group of people and I brought this statement up. It led to a very heated debate about whether criticism in a marriage is a pivotal element of its functioning, and spilled over into a discussion about whether friends and family members should criticize one another.

After giving it a lot of thought, and admitting freely that I think it is very difficult to put into action, I agree with him. I think the crux of the matter is that human beings are accountable before God, not one another, for their actions. Additionally, every human being is fallible and has limited perception. Often the things I have been praised for have ended up being behaviors I should have actually curbed, and likewise, things I was criticized over ended up being behaviors that were positive. Because none of us know the context of one another’s lives—not fully—and we are not able to see all the nuances. More importantly, even if someone is wrong, why do we need to point it out? It is one thing to have an open and earnest conversation with someone and quite another to criticize each other and tell each other what to do.

The gentleman’s wife agreed with her husband’s approach and told us that in her opinion a lot of Western cultures have a strong culture of constructive criticism but most “constructive” criticism is actually quite destructive.

Another young mother was giving me advice once on how to encourage more positive behavior from some of my students and she told me to always point out the ways they have improved and outline the further progress they can make, rather than criticizing them. She said that with her own children she has seen that when she points out their “bad” behaviors, they seem to embody those traits even more, but when she speaks to them from the perspective of ‘this is where we are currently and here is where we can continue to progress’, their behavior improves.

We have to be so careful as human beings not to crush one another with the things we say, even when we think we are being helpful. Because at the end of the day, our role is to love, support and encourage one another, not modify each other’s behavior and pass judgment on one another.

… Each of us is responsible for one life only, and that is our own. Each of us is immeasurably far from being ‘perfect as our heavenly Father is perfect’ and the task of perfecting our own life and character is one that requires all our attention, our will- power and energy. If we allow our attention and energy to be taken up in efforts to keep others right and remedy their faults, we are wasting precious time. We are like ploughmen each of whom has his team to manage and his plough to direct, and in order to keep his furrow straight he must keep his eye on his goal and concentrate on his own task. If he looks to this side and that to see how Tom and Harry are getting on and to criticize their ploughing, then his own furrow will assuredly become crooked.~ From a letter written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi