Nava Kavelin| Just because you’re married doesn’t mean…

you should be overly familiar.

by Nava Kavelin on http://www.bahaiperspectives.com

I should probably preface this entry by explaining that I am wholly unqualified to write it as I am not nor have I ever been married. Notwithstanding, family is an area in life that interests me greatly and I have had the good fortune of being raised among the 49% of parents in the West whose marriages do work, and probably the even slimmer percentage of parents whose marriages are happy.

My interest in writing this piece was born of a conversation I had with a good friend of mine the other night revolving around the idea of "easy familiarity". In the Bahá'í Faith, we are discouraged from being overly familiar with others. This can range from something as simple as, don't open someone else's refrigerator and start rummaging through their food without permission, to something like, don't give yourself permission to be overly intimate with another person outside the confines of marriage. But I'd never really thought about this concept of not being easily or overly familiar within a marriage. Clearly, the refrigerator and intimacy examples don't apply among marriage partners. But what about the tone in which you address your spouse?

It's interesting how often our family members are the people we are most rude and unkind to-because we're tired at the end of the day when we see them; because we know them so well and feel so comfortable around them that we don't censor ourselves; because we assume they'll always be there. But if you think about it, these are the people we should show the mostkindness to, precisely because we're in it for life. Why not make that the most loving, joyous experience it can be?

It is not easy to live life always being vigilant over what you think and say. But, life isn't meant to be easy. And realistically, things don't work in isolation. If we are truly intent on developing our virtues-kindess, patience, forbearance, forgiveness-what better laboratory than home?

Marriage partners have to be so careful not to give themselves permission to snap at each other, to cross lines they justify crossing with ideas like, "But he's my husband. I should be able to say anything I want around him!" Why? Why should you be allowed to gossip with your husband? Why should you be allowed to say something so critical and harsh, something so hurtful, that you would never dare say to another? Of course, marriage isn't about ignoring each other's flaws. You help each other grow and develop into better people. But that process doesn't happen with snide remarks or dwelling on each other's imperfections, either. You support one another, you uplift one another.

We shouldn't confuse being thoughtful and biting our tongues with being formal. Perhaps formality works among some couples, but that's certainly not what I'm suggesting. It is absolutely possible to be comfortable, to be intimate, to be honest and open with a partner without crushing their spirits in the way you speak to them. And sometimes it is better to simply overlook; to forgive.

As 'Abdu'l-Bahá explains, "their [husband and wife's] purpose must be this: to become loving companions and comrades and at one with each other for time and eternity…" If they are vigilant over themselves, faithful and true in their actions and kind and respectful in their words, they may experience true marriage, which is "that husband and wife should be united both physically and spiritually, that they may ever improve the spiritual life of each other, and may enjoy everlasting unity throughout all the worlds of God."

If we regard marriage as an institution whose purpose is, among other things, to add to world unity by starting at the most basic level, and not just as a coming together of two individual beings; if we regard ourselves as partners whose purpose is to strive to ever improve the spiritual life of the other, maybe biting our tongues once in a while, lowering our voices, sweetening our words (genuinely, not condescendingly) will become second nature to us, and marriage won't feel like hard work. Instead, we will experience the following, which we are assured is possible, perhaps inevitable, when we align our behavior with the laws of the All-knowing Lord:

In this glorious Cause the life of a married couple should resemble the life of the angels in heaven-a life full of joy and spiritual delight, a life of unity and concord, a friendship both mental and physical. The home should be orderly and well-organized. Their ideas and thoughts should be like the rays of the sun of truth and the radiance of the brilliant stars in the heavens. Even as two birds they should warble melodies upon the branches of the tree of fellowship and harmony. They should always be elated with joy and gladness and be a source of happiness to the hearts of others. They should set an example to their fellow-men, manifest a true and sincere love towards each other and educate their children in such a manner as to blazon the fame and glory of their family.

~ 'Abdu'l-Bahá